She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
