That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
