tequila makes me forget i have legs
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
