soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
