chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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