had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
