I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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