Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
love makes seman taste better
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
