I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
