hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
