I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
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I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
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He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
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