yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
