if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
