gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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