I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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