Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
