i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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