i jhust puked up my retainher.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
