Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Less talking, more tequila
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
