You made me cry and you don't even care
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
