Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
