You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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