Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.