I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment