First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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