Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
babies were throwing up all over the place
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
