Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize