just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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