Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
