so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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