Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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