Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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