How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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