A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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