I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
