ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
