I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
