There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
