Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
