You're my little dorito
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
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Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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