I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
