Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
