I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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