no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
