Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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