No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
