I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
