What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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