tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
