My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
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When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
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In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
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