I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
