It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
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He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
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I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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