I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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