I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
