I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
