I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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