i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
